The Cancer Diary: Afterthought 7 – Grieving

All of us grieve from time to time. Grief isn’t limited to losing a person or pet. It can be losing a job, a possession or face. Loss is such an intricate part of our lives.

The most painful loss is someone particularly close to us, a child arguably the worst, but losing a spouse can be traumatic, too. And not only am I grieving the loss of Max: my husband, best friend, business partner, confident, handyman and humorist all rolled into one, but I’m also grieving loss related to our business dealings, as well as losing my sanity in another screwy transaction. It’s been one rough ride lately.

So, to cope, I’ve taken a trip to Santa Fe, New Mexico, to be with my kids. Yes, getting away from the scene of the crime is helpful, but it also allows me the time and space to more fully process my grief, and to heal. I know my subconscious is working overtime because I’ve begun to recall my dreams in technicolor, something I haven’t done in years. The other night I dreamt I had returned to the dome house Max and I own in Pauma Valley, California to find the roof leaking in a number of places and drywall peeling off the dome ceiling. Two nights later I was traveling with Max and we became separated. Side-tracked I quickly lost my bearings, unable to find my home. I tried calling Max, and got through, but he couldn’t hear me, although I was able to overhear him making plans for the following day. I hung up, tried again, but this time I pressed the wrong button and found myself in cell phone hell, where I frantically moved from one wrong screen to another, layering them to the point of being lost, helpless and hysterical.  Both these dreams reflect my current state of anxiety and overwhelm.  Both are obvious attempts by my subconscious to help me express and process through this state of mind.

Grief. It’s such a multi-faceted experience. One minute I’m sad, the next anger, followed by anxious with a side of guilt. Yet, later, the same day, I may feel perfectly normal.  There is no easy way around all this, I guess I’ll have to move through it.

And continue to dream on.

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